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18 years ago my father killed himself on Valentine's Day. It hurts to even write that but it is the reality I have lived all my life. I tell you this not to ask for pity, but maybe to provide hope, hope for myself and anyone else who might be reading this.

I have fought depression all my life, and in the past few months I have been losing that struggle. Depression takes your strength away, it screws with your motivation, it is a little voice in your head that is constantly second guessing you, telling you that you will screw this up, telling you that it isn't going to get better so why even bother, and than you add on top of that being alone for Valentine's Day and what you end up with is a perfect storm of self-loathing.

You worry about money. I have been out of work so long I don't know where to begin. I haven't even been able to write as of late. You feel defeated even before you begin. You want to escape. Part of you hopes it gets better, the other part of you says "Yeah, whatever". So you look at your last dollar, you wonder what you are going to do next, and you worry, you worry a lot. I understand it, I understand the empty void within yourself that you can fall into, all of it, the loneliness, the hopelessness, how it eats you from within, and even though I have crawled out of that hole so many times before I find myself falling back into it. What do I do? I write, but lately I don't even do that. I appear on TV sometimes, but I am still perpetually broke, so what good is appearing on TV doing me? What good is any of this political crap doing me? My life has been a Seth Rogan movie for the last few years and yet here I am, as penniless and lost as I was when it started, and I still don't know what to do.

But what I DO know is that it does indeed 'get better'. I've been here before, there is a point in depression when the skies eventually part and a ray of sunshine comes bursting through, and that is the part I am hanging on for.

more blow the fold......

I have done a crap job of marketing myself. I have yet to figure out how to monetize the skill I have. It is hard to pull yourself up by the boot straps when someone else keeps stepping on your fingers, it is harder still when part of you keeps trying to defeat yourself before you even get started. And you could have it all, my Empire of Dirt.

I say that now because I do not know what to do next, but I DO know that eventually it does get better, even though I cant see that now. And that is why I write to you today, to tell you that it DOES get better, to tell you to hang on, to tell you to fight through it and cling to hope like you will fucking drown without it.

So this is my letter of hope to those who are struggling with depression and loneliness this Valentine's Day. I'm sorry if it isn't the best letter but I am struggling myself. I can't promise you anything, just hope. If you just hang on it DOES get better. I have been living proof of that before, and I shall prove it again, and so will you.

I've been slowly trying to get back into writing. I think I am going to focus on low wages but haven't decided yet. Sorry if this diary is a little disjointed, writing it was like pulling teeth. If you have any questions for me I will be sticking around in the comments for a while.

Peace and love to you and yours

Originally posted to MinistryOfTruth on Fri Feb 14, 2014 at 09:37 AM PST.

Also republished by Mental Health Awareness, Pink Clubhouse, and The Grieving Room.

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